Of all the excellent speakers I heard at a recent conference on hazing, sponsored by the Chelsea Health Department, this father’s words stay with me most: “I guarantee you-anyone who thinks hazing is just ‘kids being kids’ would think differently if this happened to their own son or daughter.” You may have heard about this incident in the news. The man’s teenage son was a victim of a humiliating act of hazing at football camp, followed by months of harassment at school. The boy has since left the school, but he and his family are still dealing with the aftermath, or as the father put it “living in a bad dream.”

What is hazing? It can be defined as any activity expected of someone who is joining a group that humiliates, degrades or risks emotional and/or physical harm, regardless of the person’s willingness to participate. This was new to me. If someone willingly participates, how could it be hazing? The short answer: peer pressure. Just like minors cannot legally consent to sexual relations, individuals cannot legally consent to hazing. It doesn’t matter whether or not an individual “agrees” to the hazing. Anti-hazing laws are based on the fact that the strong dynamics of group expectations influence one’s ability to choose.

What are some examples of hazing? Being humiliated: being yelled at, sworn at or insulted, being thrown into a body of water or toilet, personal servitude, sleep deprivation, being forced to wear embarrassing or humiliating clothes in public, being forced to eat or drink disgusting things, physical beatings, binge drinking and drinking games, sexual stimulation and sexual assault, being confined, restrained or abandoned.

How common is hazing? A study conducted by Alfred University in New York found that 48% of students who belong to groups reported being subjected to hazing activities. Both boys and girls reported high levels of hazing, but boys are at highest risk, especially for dangerous hazing. And hazing isn’t limited to sports teams or fraternities: even those groups usually considered to be safe haze new members, including 24% of students belonging to church groups. At least one student dies every year as a result of hazing.

One of the problems with hazing is how quickly it can escalate. Kids who have been hazed can’t wait to turn around and do it to the newcomers the following year. Instead of retaliating against those who inflicted the harm, they take their anger out on those more vulnerable. The cycle not only perpetuates itself, but often the activities are kicked up a notch, with kids trying to outdo each other.

And don’t expect young people to condemn hazing or even identify it as such. They will often tell you the activities are “no big deal,” “fun,” “tradition” or “our way of bonding as a group.” In the study, only 14% said they were hazed, yet 48% said they participated in activities defined as hazing. In the Melrose schools, there is an activity known as “birthday punches” or “birthday beat-downs”, where (mostly boys) punch each other in the arm for each year of birth. School officials have denounced it, but kids and parents tell me it still takes place.

What can the community do to stop or prevent hazing? First of all, know that kids don’t generally tell their parents these things. You need to ask.

Our schools do have policies against hazing, but they need to be discussed and enforced across the board. More education for staff and students and anonymous ways of reporting hazing could be implemented.

Create positive ways for kids to bond. Ropes courses, hiking trips, and white-water rafting are activities that involve an element of risk (which kids like), but also promote team-building. Give “veterans” in a group a positive role with “rookies.” There are plenty of positive ways to give kids a sense of personal power and belonging without hazing.

Support those who do speak out. Again, the father’s words: “Not only did our son become socially isolated, we did too. We had upset the apple cart of the ‘inner circle’ in our town.” Good kids can make bad mistakes. Remember that kids will do things in groups that they would never do alone. Don’t underestimate the power of a peer group.

Don’t be afraid to say to your child “THAT’S WRONG. It’s hurtful, humiliating and abusive.” Kids are still trying to figure out what is appropriate, and it is our job as adults to make our values clear.

Rebecca Mooney is the Executive Director of the Melrose Alliance Against Violence. For more information on hazing visit http://www.stophazing.org or call MAAV at 781-662-2010.